How to Deal with Controlling People

How do you respond to someone who is controlling, demanding and wants you to do things you don't want to do or wants to stop doing something you want to do?

If you have someone in your life who is controlling and tells you what to do or what not to do using a commanding tone of voice, you have to learn to change the way you respond to that person. You can change being easily controlled and manipulated or being angry about being controlled, while it is very difficult to change a controlling person.

Ineffective responses:

Imagine your partner asks you not to go out with your friends anymore, and stay home instead. Here are some ineffective responses:

"That's unfair. You always go out with your friends."

"You're so controlling!"

Any kind of whining, complaining or arguing is ineffective and beside the point.

How to change your response:

You have to realize is that there's no need to be resentful, argue, complain, or accommodate someone who's controlling.

Ask yourself:

1. What do you want regarding the other person's demand?

2. Is it reasonable what this person is asking you to do or not do.

If you either don't want accommodate the person or the demand is unreasonable, don't do it, and respond in a clear, firm and friendly way.

If someone does not respect your freewill and autonomy, there is no reason to try to persuade that person to see it your way.

For instance, you might say, "I'm sorry you are disappointed, but I really enjoy seeing my friends, and that's not something I'm willing to give up. I'm disappointed that you continue to ask that of me when it's so important to me."

Don't be angry, but be clear.

If someone repeatedly asks you to do something that is undesirable or unreasonable, then you may have to limit the relationship. "I'm really surprised that you continue to ask me to do something I'm unwilling to do. That is not good for our relationship. Are you going to continue this?" If the answer is "yes," you will probably have to limit, change, or possibly terminate the relationship.

One caveat:

Does the person have a point? Just because someone has a controlling tone of voice, it's important to listen to the request to see if it's reasonable.

In summary, people who whine, argue, complain, or always accommodate show that they have no personal authority and are easily controlled. On the other hand, people who are calm, clear, and firm show that they do have personal authority and are not easily controlled. Beware of people who do not consider your desires, welfare or autonomy. Be considerate of people's requests if they are reasonable and you don't mind doing what they ask.

Finally, no one is perfect. So try to overlook an occasional controlling tone of voice and see if their request is reasonable.

by Dr. Alison Poulsen

Healthy Relationships and
Effective Communication

www.sowhatireallymeant.com
@alisonpoulsen
facebook.com/dralisonpoulsen