How To Be Influential With Others, Part I

“To be influential in our conversations, we must first be aware of two things, (1) what do we want to bring to the conversation and (2) what do we want to bring out in others." Bill Crawford

This is the first installment in a three-part series where I teach you my six-step model for being influential with others. Of course, like all my material, this model is based upon my “Life from the Top of the Mind” philosophy, which means that it is about bringing the clear, confident, and creative aspects of who we are to these types of conversations, and bringing out the best in others.

Notice how this is different from the way most people approach “difficult” conversations, or those conversations where someone is upset with you or in some way, resistant to what you are saying. Unfortunately, most people go into these types of interactions worried, concerned, or even resentful at how “the other person is being.” This then has them focusing their attention on what they want to stop or change in the other person which almost always is taken as criticism.

When people feel criticized they tend to become defensive and the conversation can quickly turn in to a debate about “who’s right!” Given that this is not what you want, I suggest a different approach.

I suggest you first become clear about who you want to be, or the qualities and characteristics you want to bring to the conversation. This not only has the benefit of shifting your focus from “them” to you (where you initially have more influence), it engages the clear and creative upper 80% of your brain. To make this, “what do I want to bring?” perspective effective, it should be followed by your imagining being the way you want to be so that you know what this way of being looks like and feels like.

Next, you want to focus on what you want to bring out in the other, not on what you want them to stop or change. Do you want them to be more curious, receptive, solution-focused, engaged, open-minded, etc.? If so, have they ever been this way in the past? Do you have an image of who they are when they are in the upper 80% of their brain (versus stuck in the resistant, lower 20%)?

This reminds me of a great quote from Neale Donald Walsch that I use often in my books and seminars. It says, “True vision is the ability to see in another more than they are showing you.” If you want to be influential with others, you must be willing to look past their mask of resistance (which is coming from the brainstem) and hold in your mind a vision of who they are when they are at their best.

In other words, you must be clear about what you want to bring and what you want to bring out in others to be truly effective. Of course, this knowledge doesn’t automatically create a solution-focused conversation, and that’s because these two steps (what do I want to bring and bring out) are just the first part of the model. Stay tuned for steps 3 and 4 in next week’s quote, comment, and video.