How to Become a Better Listener in a Relationship

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In this episode Laurie-Anne teaches the 4 levels of listening so you can become a better listener both in and out of your relationship!

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I think that listening is one of, if not the most, critical and undervalued life skills. We talk all the time about the importance of communication in a relationship but most of the time talking, listening big bother gets most of the attention and we don’t spend enough time talking about our listening skills. For skill that we use daily it's a little bit observed to me that we're not formally taught how to do it. I spent months of my life learning advanced Algebra but not one class on how to listen.

Most people assume that hearing and listening are the same thing but they’re not. Hearing is the faculty of perceiving sound. Hearing is automatic, a stimulus occurs in your environment and it's channel through your ears into your brain. Listening is giving one’s attention to a sound. So the main difference between actually hearing something and listening to something is determined based on where you place your attention. Improving the quality of your listening skills is one of the most important skills to develop in a romantic relationship. Your attention is one of the most precious gifts that you can give to someone and this is a gift that you should give to your partner a lot. The importance of this skill is amplified in relationships that are starved for time. If you only get a few minutes of alone time with your partner each day, you're going to need to learn to connect deeply with your partner in a short amount of time.

Now mostly people think of listening as something passive but I want you to consider that it’s a really active part of conversation. Actually how we listen impacts what is being said. Think about it, have you ever been in a conversation with someone and you could feel that they were judging you? How much more that you wanna share with that person? Probably, not a lot. Or maybe you’ve been in a conversation with someone and as you talking you just know they are paying attention, they’re looking around the room, trying to find something better to talk or they are on their phone clearly distracted, you don’t want to say much more to that person either. How we listen really impacts what someone is willing to share with us.

So, I’m gonna teach you the four levels of listening so that you can become a better listener in your life and in your relationship. Here we go.
Level 1. Not listening. At level 1 listening there is sound occurring but it's not receiving any of your attention. The human brain can process 1.6 conversation at a time, not two. This means that you really can't listen effectively with the TV on in the background or while you’re texting someone on your phone or listening to something in an ear bud. You need to give someone your full attention to really be listening to them.
Which bring into Level 2. Reactionary listening. In level 2 listening you are engaged in a conversation but your attention is not on the words that are actually being said by your partner, your attention is on the voice in your head that is reacting to what your partner said or is planning the next thing that you want to say. In other words, you don't really hear and acknowledge what your partner has actually said but instead you jump to what that little voice in your head has to say about what your partner said. Yes, that little voice in your head that just went, “what little voice in my head?” Reactionary listening is the most common level of listening. This is where most people listen. But there is more advance listening that is available to you.
The next is called Level 3. Full body listening. With full body listening you register more than just the words that your partner is saying, you're also able to feel the emotion they are communicating as well. You can detect if they are angry or sad or excited.

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