How to Feel Better: Drop Ambivalent + Toxic Relationships

Boo! We’re talkin’ about how to not let OTHER PEOPLE determine how you feel, and a sneaky way we do that is through the relationships we have.

Now this is a complicated topic, so today is actually Part 3 of the whole shebang: Make sure you take a look at the last two Tuesdays’ videos to dive into how to make sure YOU’RE the one in charge of how you feel, by not getting stuck in judgment thinking and how to deal with people not acting the way you want.

Today, let’s talk about relationships: Toxic ones and “ambivalent” ones. Now the first thing I’m gonna say is obvious but necessary, and you probably already know it: If you’re involved in any toxic relationships (friends, family or loved ones), They’ve. Got. To. Go.

These are relationships that deplete you, try to diminish your worth, encourage unhealthy habits. They negatively impact your physical, mental, emotional and/or spiritual life, and you’ve only got one life!

In order to end these toxic relationships, I need you to question your assumptions about 1) why these people “have to” be in your life at all, and 2) whether or not you’ll be able to change or end the union. When we assume we’re stuck in a situation and that it’s out of our control, or that it’ll be too hard or impossible to change, we prolong these toxic patterns.

Please make sure to get the personal or professional help you need in order to cleanse your life of these toxins!

Now let’s look at a different kind of relationship that isn’t actually so well known, but it happens to have HUGE impact on your (limited) resources: Ambivalent Relationships.

These suckers are sneaky because they don’t cause such overt negativity as toxic relationships that you can spot them right away (and see how much better your life would be without ‘em). But studies show that these can actually have a very real negative effect on your mindset, energy and quality of life.

A researcher of human behavior named Vanessa Van Edwards explains ambivalent relationships in a way that totally makes sense to me, so I’m passing it on to you now: Think for a sec about brand loyalty. If you’re an avid fan of say, Starbucks or Nike, you’ll go out of your way to make sure you get those products. You look forward to them more, you enjoy them more, and you remember them more fondly and vividly. They uplift you, they make your day, they add to the overall enjoyment and fun in your life.

Now think about brand ambivalence: How basically, Joe Shmo Coffee or Adidas don’t do any of the above for you. You could spend money on them, but you wouldn’t call yourself “happy” to invest there. You wouldn’t feel like spending a lot of time or energy getting those products was really worth it. They fill a need, but you actually don’t feel satisfied in the way you do with your faves.

To figure out what ambivalent relationships might be draining your resources, apply this concept to the people in your life: Who are you an AVID FAN of, and who are you MEH about? Who do you keep making plans with out of routine or obligation, but you don’t really get anything out of time spent with them? Who don’t you feel exciting anticipation about seeing? Who don’t you feel uplifted or energized or deeply connected to after seeing?

These are peeps, like it or not, you may feel ambivalent about. And they may actually be making you feel bummed out, sluggish, stuck or even behind. Because by maintaining these relationships, you’re perpetuating an unfulfilling cycle. Your relationship isn’t growing or progressing or deepening – you’re not getting’ good stuff out of it! – and that ish rubs off on you!

Think about how much more time, energy and bandwidth you’d have if you ONLY interacted with people you genuinely cared about and wanted to connect with. People you’re an AVID FAN of. Think of how empowered you’d feel after months of being so intentional about your relationships. Think of how in charge of your own feelings you’d be by enacting strong, healthy boundaries…(Bitchin, right??)

Here’s the great thing about this idea: There’s no giant, uncomfortable “action item” that follows. You don’t have to go through your contacts and send a message to all 719 people you don’t wanna have brunch with anymore and declare that out loud. (Remember, we’re reserving resources here – that sounds like a lotta work).

Instead, this is a concept you need to marinate on. Dig into and let yourself decide how you want to spend your time and energy. With people who enrich your life, or people who fill the time. Then act on that as you move forward: Don’t proactively make plans with ambivalent people, and don’t accept invitations from them either.

This could take a little will power and follow-through, but you’ll likely feel so great from the amazing peeps you’re actually spending time with that you won’t mind as much as you think right now!