HOW TO RESOLVE CONFLICT...THE RIGHT WAY!

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HOW TO HAVE DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS WITH YOUR SPOUSE

How do you have a conversation with your spouse or anyone for that matter that you know is going to be a difficult one? That’s coming up next on the BEAT.

Hey everyone my name is Allen Parr thank you so much for tuning into the BEAT. Today we are talking about having “difficult conversations.” Every couple, including my wife and I as recent as this week, are going to have to have difficult conversations no matter what you see people posting on Facebook. And so today I don’t have a lot of scripture but I want to share with you 7 practical tips that my wife and I are trying to practice in our marriage so we can have healthy yet difficult conversations.

1. Don’t Avoid Them
a. When we avoid obvious issues in our relationships it basically means that we are settling for a second-class mediocre marriage. And what happens is there is an obvious elephant in the room. And we think that over time that elephant will disappear but on the contrary the longer we leave it there the bigger it gets.
b. Resentment begins to build which leads to separation which then leads to fake intimacy in public where you act like you’re happy to impress others but behind closed doors there is no true intimacy.
c. So my first piece of advice is that the worse thing you can do is ignore or avoid the issue, but rather see how confronting the issue can actually heal your marriage and bring you closer together.

2. Do not criticize someone for something they cannot change – This is called “not fighting fair.” This leads someone to feel as though you don’t accept them the way they are and because they can’t change it they will never be fully accepted in your eyes, which can be devastating to any relationship especially in marriage. Number three…along those same lines…

3. Do not criticize your spouse for something you knew before you married them – When we consistently do this it sends the subtle message that had you known this before you would've made a different decision in terms of marrying them.

4. Avoid Using Absolutes
a. This is something that we’ve often told not to do but seldom do people tell you why. The reason is, for one, it’s not true. Generally a person doesn’t always do something or never do something. But second…
b. When we use the words “never” and/or “always” what it does is that it immediately puts the person on the defensive because now instead of listening to you they are thinking about examples that can counter your “never/always” statement. “Well what about last week when I did this? And last month I did it twice! And what about you? You never do this for me!”
c. And then it just gets bad. Get those two words out of your vocabulary when you’re having difficult conversations.

5. Stick to the Issue – As difficult as it is try to stay focused on the specific issue that is being discussed. Why?
a. First of all, when we bring up issues from the past it reminds the other person that we have not yet fully forgiven them for past mistakes.
b. Second, it distracts you from addressing and ultimately resolving the original issue that was brought up because now more than likely you’re addressing another issue. Stay focused on the issue at hand.

6. Don’t Deflect –The natural tendency when someone confronts you about you is to immediately lash back and bring up something about them instead of receiving what they are saying. Receive it, pray on it and then ask God to show you if there is any truth to what they are saying and what needs to change within you. When people get defensive when difficult issues are brought up, the other person takes note of that and then are less likely to bring up anything in the future in fear that it will turn into WWIII. So your defensiveness leads them to shut down, internalize the issue and live in fear right in their own home.

7. Don’t be afraid to bring in a third party – When you see a certain symptom again and again regarding your health you go to the doctor. When there is an issue that consistently comes up that creates arguments and tension you can either allow this issue to further deteriorate your relationship or you and your spouse can humble yourselves and get help from a variety of different unbiased, Christian counselors, professional or non-professional that can help you work through it because often times, for whatever reason, your spouse will receive a message better from someone else than they do from you.

And so today I want to encourage you with this quote as you are dealing with conflict. Remember, “I’d rather lose an argument to my spouse than to lose you my spouse to an argument.”