How to Micromanage like a Real ass****

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Step 1: Control, critique, choke
Repeat the mantra 'control, critique, choke' while imagining that you are a giant octopus with tentacles capable of reaching all those who report to you.

Step 2: Document wasted time
Note what time your staff comes into the office and how long they take for lunch. If possible, monitor time spent on personal calls and chatting with coworkers. Document this information for future use.

Step 3: Overexplain
Assign a task, spelling out in painful detail how it should be done. Remember, nothing is too obvious to explain.

Step 4: Monitor
Ten minutes later, go over to monitor how much progress has been made and make certain everyone is following your directions to a T.

Tip
Interrupt the employees at 15-minute intervals and ask for status updates.

Step 5: Squash dissent
If an employee suggests approaching the task another way, shut him down quickly and forcefully.

Step 6: Interrupt
Schedule frequent progress meetings throughout the day.

Step 7: Find tiny errors
While carefully reviewing someone’s work, be sure to find at least one error so you can return the submission. Check the font, line spacing, margins—all the minutia. Indicate any errors in bold red pen.

Tip
Make sure to create expectations that they could never fulfill—but don’t bother to communicate them until they’ve failed. This is an excellent way to encourage someone to quit.

Step 8: Correct mistakes
Tell the employee how to correct each mistake, taking more time to explain than it would to simply do it.

Did You Know?
According to one survey, 79% of workers say they have been micromanaged, with 71% indicating that it has interfered with their ability to perform their job.