How to Break Up with Someone on Valentine’s Day

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So you can't wait a minute longer—you have to break up today, even though it's Valentine's Day. Here's how to do it without getting your personal parts handed to you.

Step 1: Be a coward
Take the cowardly way out and drop the bomb in an email. If you go with this option, take the day off so you can barricade yourself inside your home. Push the heaviest object you own against the front door. Or go on vacation.

Step 2: Consider professional help
Consider hiring a professional breakup service. Some will do the deed in person, delivering a 'Breakup Basket' that can include a CD of classic break-up songs and plenty of chocolate. Pricey? Yes. But remember all the money you’re saving on candlelit dinners.

Step 3: Have a friend do it
Have a friend handle the breakup for you. Pick someone who never liked your partner in the first place.

Step 4: Do it in person
If you can find the courage, do it in person. The classic setting is a fancy restaurant, where your partner won’t want to make a scene.

Tip
If you go with a restaurant, order a drink and entrée that won’t stain, just in case it does end up dumped on your head.

Step 5: Brush up on clichés
Brush up on cop-out clichés, like, 'It’s not you; it’s me,' 'You deserve someone so much better,' and, 'I just don’t know how to love.'

Step 6: Practice speeches
Practice offering the usual patronizing speeches, like, 'You’re going to meet someone wonderful who truly appreciates you for how special you are.'

Step 7: Rehearse self-flagellation
Rehearse the following until you can sound sincere saying it: 'I know. I’m a jerk. I don’t deserve to be in the human race.'

Step 8: Be prepared
Be prepared to answer the inevitable query, 'How could you do this to me on Valentine’s Day?!' The question will not be rhetorical.

Did You Know?
Jennifer Lopez broke up with Sean 'P. Diddy' Combs on Valentine’s Day in 2001.