How to Deal with Tantrums

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Show notes are in the bottom.

Recently, a mom in my community asked me how do I deal with tantrums. I’ve got my own strategies, that I feel might be influenced by the attachment parenting.

When we are dealing with tantrums we need to remember the following things:
Behaviour is driven by EMOTION - not logic. People act from their emotions and later justify their actions with their logical brain
Small kids, though, act purely from emotion.
Tantrums don’t have to rule the early years and can be an opportunity for parents to offer unconditional love and guidance.
Tantrums are learning opportunities for us too to communicate and connect better with our kids

We also need to know:
1. What tantrum is for my child and what triggers it
Kids at that age (between 18 months and 4 years) are not yet able to exercise self-control and we should remember that. Their brain is still rapidly developing and it will take time until they learn how to calm down by themselves or manage their emotions.
And what is triggering the tantrum? Is there a pattern? Does my child act and react in a similar way over similar things? What is frustrating him? Is he hungry, or tired?
2. What type of tantrum my child throws
Tantrums could be a meltdown, drama (acting) tantrums or full (distress) tantrum.
Drama tantrum is about the child trying to get their own way - they’re not really distressed and they don’t have stress chemical flooding their systems and overwhelming them with emotion. They are using the frontal lobes, or higher brain which is responsible for cognition to work out what behaviour might get results. In this case, the kid is pushing some buttons in us and get us do what he wants. If you give him what he wants - he stops immediately. The reason he can stop immediately is that he is able to control his emotions and be logical and make decisions - although he may look like he is out of control. We, parents, usually can recognise this sort of tantrum and the reaction should be - a ‘NO' - this is teaching the child about what is appropriate and what’s not.
The distress tantrum is very different and it requires a different response. The child becomes so upset that he is no longer able to use his logic (the upper part of the brain). He becomes too angry or stressed - the stress hormones are flooding his body and he is literally incapable for a while to control his body or emotions. In this stage, a completely different response from us is needed. We need to nurture and comfort him.

How? We may need to use various strategies to connect and calm him down (we can use pattern interruption, speaking toddler-ese, changing their state with the use of NLP, holding them tight, talking to them in a soft, calm voice. There is no point in talking or explaining to them anything about their behaviour as they are not able to listen or to understand. They can’t process any of the information - they needs to calm down first. Only then, we can respond to the issue - e.g. “you didn’t like that mommy didn’t get you this toy. Would you want me to tell you why I didn’t buy it?” When they are in a more receptive place you can talk about what is appropriate behaviour and what is not.

I personally deal with tantrums by: 1. Putting myself in Mika’s shoes and felling what he feels - it makes me more compassionate 2. Talking to him all the time in advance about something I assume may disturb his emotional state 3. Build good habits - it takes me a lot of time and energy as I need to be consistent, but it pays off tremendously.

Don’t forget that we, adults, throw tantrums too and often we can’t manage our own emotions, yet we have expectations that our little kids will act as rational human beings.

Watch the video for more info.

Show notes:
What is tantrum for our kids and what triggers it? (1.14m)
What type of tantrum (2.01m)
Strategies to deal with tantrums (4.03m)
My personal experience with tantrums (7.15m)
The use of positive language (11.58m)
Don't ignore, use bribes, reward or negotiation (12.43m)

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